Month In Review #4

I can safely that this has been quietest January I have ever witnessed and experienced. Apart from the odd maniac gun-nut shooting a US politician’s brain, a Christmas murderer, biblical flooding, political unrest and revolution, tabloid phone tappings, a flopping economy, Kindle power, a British dude pissing off a bunch of North Americans at some anonymous awards ceremony, Jobs going both here and at Apple, explosions in Russia and – my favourite –  the England cricket team winning a trophy that won’t look out of place on Bargain Hunt, January has been pathetically sleepy.

I guess I better get on with it then….

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#1 Lib Dem politician scamming students – what else is new?

"Just stole £5000 from a bunch of piss head students. Ho hum."

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If a Nick Clegg doll existed, one of his phrases should be “oh what’s the point?” Opinion polls indicate that the Liberal Democrats’ popularity have plummeted into the abyss thanks to their controversial u-turn of abolishing tuition fees. What’s worse is that earlier this month, Parliamentary candidate for the Lib Dems, Dr Vincent McKee, has been taking unauthorised payments from students and their parents, totalling up to £5000+. With that kind of money, I can get an unwanted boob job.

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#2 I have waaaaay too much time on my hands

Making up news so you don't have to.

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My friend Robbin owes me £12 after he destroyed my key last year. With that kind of money, I could pay for nearly half the VAT for a £1500 Macbook.

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#3 MySpace cutting workforce by 50%. Not as bad as Bebo’s 32,098.12% cut

At least they're trying

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News Corp’s struggling social networking site MySpace has had to cut 50% of their workforce from a total of more than 1000 because of the dramatic fall in traffic and popularity. Thanks to the rise of Twitter, Youtube and (obviously) Facebook, News Corp is looking to sell MySpace although they’re going to have a hard time finding a buyer, especially when investing in Facebook is more feasible (Facebook has been recently valued at $50bn). With that kind of money, I can buy Simon Cowell and toss him into a bottomless pit….then buy a nuke as a back-up in case he manages to escape.

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#4 You can’t be British without failing to win a sports competition (except cricket….and even that sounds out of place)

 

3 Grand Slam finals....and not one win. At least he won that record!

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Sad but true. We can’t seem to win at any mainstream sport (apart from rugby, cricket and cycling – personally not mainstream sport). Maybe we should stick with rowing and bowls or make a new sport like…..swan….boarding…

Sticking with sport, Fernandos Torres’ and Andy Carroll’s multi-million pound transfers are enough to feed children from third world countries for a year. Either that or they can give it to me and I’ll end up dead.

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#5 Groupon keeping itself classy with ‘vajazzle’ offer

Groupon: How low can they go? Erm, quite apparently.

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As you can probably tell, I’ve avoided most of the major news stories because most of them are still ongoing and you don’t need me reminding you of what’s going on (unless you don’t follow news or you’re not originally from this country. If that isn’t the case, you’re a horrible, horrible human being). Also, most of the news this month have been absolutely dreadful – so dreadful that I can’t even bring myself to mock it even a little. Instead, I’ll end with this strange deal offered by Groupon: get a hot wax or ‘vajazzle’ for £19 instead of £55! With that kind of money I can….get a….vajazzle…wax….ho hum.

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Tweets of the Month

1. Lord Voldermort turning Osama Bin Laden into a horcrux.

2. Jonathan Ross suggesting the legendary Sir David Attenborough present a documentary on Pokemon.

3. Sarah Rainey found an article describing how a blow up doll rescued teenagers….erm, yeah.

4. (Fake) Bono’s genius lyric writing means he’ll be drawing in additional cash every New Year’s Day.

5. Calvin Harris posts a mock up Susan Boyle calendar.

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‘Til next time,

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