Facebook has arguably contributed heavily in the way human beings interact with each other. Riding on the waves of MySpace and Bebo before the pair’s popularity declined, Facebook is the prime social networking website; you can prowl and stalk your ‘friends’ and with the rise of Blackberry, iPhone and other smartphones, mobile web has enabled Facebook to be used on-the-go.
Like Twitter, trends, news and gossip can be shared instantly. One notable aspect of Facebook is the option to ‘like’ something.
What’s even more interesting about the Like button is that some users have abused the Like button to their advantage by liking their own posts and statuses. Dr. Ihnz Wafelmeister of the Professional Institute of Social-networking Studies (PISS – the world-leading institute for pointless digital observations) at the Social Polytechnic of Greenland considers the action as “dangerous”.
But what makes liking your own status/ post dangerous or life threatening? It is a question that has been plaguing the technicians at Facebook for some time ever since the mysterious suicide of Ive Veenmol Ested, a university student who liked his own status after coming up with “a mind-blowing status [Germans are scum INNIT] that everyone should agree with me”[New York Post].
Although Mr. Ested was a one off case, it has generated controversy since it was reported which included a thorough three page analysis from British tabloid/ helpful pamphlet, The Daily Sport. Other mediums of the media also took interest in the case, with Piers Morgan hosting chat show Love: How Facebook Tore Us Apart…Again [ITV2].
It is interesting how a simple status or post can be a symbol of power, one’s fragile mental state or a window to someone’s personal life. This analytical essay focuses on the apparent consequences of living the life of a SL and their useless existence in the human world.
We start by taking a look at Digital Desolation; Don’t Ignore the Signs [page 254] section of Wafelmeister’s book, Fraped, where she discusses and highlights the consequences of liking your own status/ post; it is also worth noting that this is the only publication that has been approved by PISS. Scanning through the brief list, three particular ramifications are considered to be distinct out of the other three hundred and six.
1. The increased contraction rate of the disease malaria in SLs.
2. Provide SLs with the power to withstand auto-tune – even Rebecca Black (Auto-Tune Catastrophe Level 5, Extreme Critical Level [Musical Muggle Diseases, page 15]) songs are compared to listening to “the sweet sounds of birds chirping in the spring” when empowered.
3. Unknown psychological damage deemed unrepairable; comparable to the SL hugging a picture of him/ herself.
The first, although puzzling, is a given. SLs are ten times more likely to contract malaria than the normal human being according to British tabloid, The Sun. They say that “SLs have a devastating effect on the local environment in equatorial countries or countries with temperatures ranging between 23ºc – 45ºc.” This is because the air of utter disappointment of servers when a SL strikes in those regions reaches the “foul-needled flying vermin and strike SLs” as a warning for them to stop.
However, this air of utter disappointment can also be found in North-East London near the grounds of the Emirates Stadium, suggesting malaria can be also be caused by more than 6 years of collecting dust instead of silver cups.
The second consequence is more curse than consequence (if “you are 15 years old or younger, you have no hope” [8 Complicated Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter, Channel 4]) especially if you are 25 years old or older. Tolerance to songs like Friday and the equally popular song My Jeans has lead to SLs being disowned by friends, work colleagues and family members.
It is suggested by Mashable that this is what caused Ive Veenmol Ested to commit suicide and “with Mr. Ested equally cursed with a dreadful name, his demise was sealed.” Arguably, he was already detested by his family due to his endorsement to the Dark Lord (which one has yet to be confirmed) therefore making this theory invalid.
The final consequence is considered the most dangerous due to its unpredictable and unrepairable nature. Once a normal person begins to like his or her own status without feeling either disgust or their fingers melt, then they cannot be saved. A SL is born. Here, we witness someone’s logic replaced by a single thumb, failing to notice that posting something on their wall along with positive rhetoric basically means they like what they’ve written/ seen etc and they don’t need to actually click ‘like’.
To summarise, we’ve learned that the three main consequences of SL living is – as suggested – deadly. Unfortunately, PISS has refused to conjure a cure for SLs, so it is fair to say that they are nearly beyond needing a miracle. However, movements to save SLs are campaigning to take the PISS to the High Courts of their respected countries to bring them back from the brink.