Oh bloody hell, it’s that time of year again. X Factor’s warm-up Britain’s Got Talent graces our screen for the next few weeks as we witness the British public mainly humiliate themselves before the judges (I’ll get to them in a minute) weed out unworthy and nurture the worthy…well sort of.
As for the judges, Piers Morgan is replaced by skipping posh boy Michael McIntyre along with Amanda Holden and burger-chomping, booze-drinking Baywatch man David Hasselhoff.
Ah jeez, let’s us get on with….
8:20PM: Oh jeez here comes the over-dramatic introduction.
8:21PM: ARGH. Too many camera cuts.
8:23PM: ….erm, why an air balloon?
8:25PM: I don’t know about you, but that jacket on the Hoff looks weird.
8:26PM: Oh nice start. Bring out the elderly. Let’s patronise them!
08:28PM: My dad says Mary’s act is fit for the queen. Michael Simon Cowtyre attempts to be a prick.
08:30M: John is next. Who put a belly dancing Rafiki onstage?
-Holy crap, CHRISTINE WAS HILARIOUS.
08:32PM: Come on Liverpool, bring out the Fab Four!
08:34PM: Wow. That was the first bit done. I FEEL SO HYPNOTISED. GIMME MORE. GIMME MORE TALENTED GITS TO LAUGH AT!
08:38PM: So, there wasn’t ANY talent in Liverpool. That’s a nice to say eh producers?
– 9 year old. Comedian. WHERE’S YOUR SOB STORY? I WON’T PAY ATTENTION WITHOUT A SOB STORY.
08:40PM: “Why did you come on Britain’s Got Talent?” If I were to answer that, then I would say “just to shoot the judges in the head.”
08:44PM: Instead of giving Michael a buzzer, give him a rubber duck.
08:45PM: THIS IS SO WRONG, IT ISN’T RIGHT BLAH BLAH BLAH.
08:48PM: ….why am I watching this crap? I have nothing else going in my life apart from trips to Notting Hill Starbucks.
08:53PM: I’ve switched the channel. The Day After Tomorrow. Oh great, more catastrophic TV.
08:57PM: Synchronised dogging? Bitch please, I just trained them well.
09:00PM: Here come the ‘yeses’. The lady with the hoops isn’t doing it for me. If she just jumped a few then maybe I’ll change my mind…
09:01PM: Bloody kids. They shouldn’t be allowed on the show. They just get sympathy yeses.
09:03PM: They’re subtly milking the Royal Wedding. This updated has been sponsored by HRH Corgi the Dog.
09:07PM: I’m so tempted just to stick with Channel 4 because Sam is drowning as I type. But I’m back on ITV. OH LOOK AVATAR…who’s a useless dolphin….well, this country is circling the drain.
09:10PM: ….I’m losing hope for Britain.
09:13PM: Man boobs galore from Tongue In Cheek…or to precise, Cheek Tongue.
09:14PM: 53 year old man next. He’s going strip isn’t he?
09:16PM: …well, he nearly stripped.
09:18PM: He’s what we call a ‘novelty yes.’
09:25PM: Essex man. Here we go…..and CEE LOO GREEN…WITH EYE PROBLEMS. LORD SAURON!!
09:29PM: Talent? We’ve only seen 3 seconds of them performing. How can THE VIEWERS JUDGE?
09:31PM: Not meaning to brag but I can do a handstand for more than 20 seconds. I should have submitted my #bgt application ages ago.
09:34PM: Easyjet man pulled off the hearthrob acoustic man routine well #bgt
09:41PM: Back from the break. I don’t know why I switched back. If we follow TV conventions, middle-aged non attractive people do not get positive exposure as demonstrated by the dopy sounding music.
09:43PM: I love the reaction from the crowd with the introduction of the handbells. Now Titanic………erm…..it sounds very well…but erm….*insert vaguely enthusiastic cheer*…….you know, this is great for snoozing.
09:46PM: Judging by your facial expression Amanda, it looked like you were bored not impressed.
09:50PM: And that’s that. The was crap. So very, very crap. Goodnight. Good riddance. Leave me alone so I can dawdle in my own grief of wasting over an hour of my time.
‘Til next time,