HOW TO: Avoid the Royal Wedding

Last Sunday, I had the misfortune of catching bits and bobs of William and Katie The Movie. Was it good? Well, let me put it this way: I was cringing so much that I could have sworn that I almost morphed into a walking scrotum.

Too explicit? Sorry but I had to conjure up an image to match the script’s super-cheese.

Kate: We should be studying

William: I am. I’m studying you

That movie was obviously adding fuel to the Royal Wedding fire and the countdown is now at 2 days. Now I’m all for weddings – congratulations; all the best; have a happy marriage; etcetera etcetera – but if you’re like me who cannot comprehend why this wedding is incredbily hyped up ,then I’ve got a few suggestions on how to make the best out of your Friday and help it make it as weddingless as possible.

Thanks for the Bank Holiday though

1. Whatever you do, DO NOT GO NEAR LONDON. Save yourselves! Avoid this place, avoid the public transport mess, avoid the tourist crush, avoid the loooooong queue for the women’s toilets at Hyde Park, avoid the rush for Boris Bikes – JUST LEAVE AND HEAD FOR THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY. If you are a Londoner like me, then read on.

2. Do a Ned Flanders. Lock out every single television channel. Or simply get a giant mallet and destroy your television set and buy a new one. Besides, there’s going to be a massive post-wedding sale anyway.

3. This is the best time to call an archetypal nerd. Do you have a friend who likes to collect and spit out facts about stamps or maybe likes to analyse whether or not Tinky Winky is homosexual and Noo Noo foreshadows Dyson’s demise? You’re in luck! Listen to him/ her babble all day and enlighten you with such…..great…information.

4. Get a Gameboy/ Colour/ Advance/ DS/ 3DS. Get any Pokemon game. Delete all data. Start from the beginning. In fact, marry your game consoles for the day. Sorry, did I say marry? I mean get hitched. Sorry, I meant…push its buttons. Yes, that sounds much better.

5. Do a Forrest Gump. Just run to Scotland.

6. Back to back DVDs and VHS. Draw the curtains and shroud yourself in darkness as you go through DVD after DVD after DVD. Get a box of Celebrations, popcorn, order from Pizza Hut and stuff yourself silly as people in and around London pay £5 for a bottle of Coke.

7. Start building a plane for the Red Bull Flugtag. Because planes > horse driven carriages. Although I wouldn’t mind a horse driven carriage hurtling towards a lake for shits and giggles.

8. Play a game of Monopoly. You have no idea how that game has saved me from hours of doing nothing.

9. Re-read your entire collection of GCSE (or A Level) English books. It’s so much better to read them when you’re not analysing the crap out of them. Or you can simply borrow all 7 Harry Potter books.

10. Sort and re-sort your CD/ vinyl collection. ‘What sort of teenager still buys CDs and vinyls?’ The kind of teenager who waits for events like the Royal Wedding so he can sort them relentlessly all day.

11. Avoid the internet. It’s so obvious that I nearly overlooked it.

12. I guess it’s one of those days when you’re at home and you say ‘eh, I might as well strip to my underwear’.

13. Read the rules of cricket. I used to be on the cricket team (seriously)….and I STILL don’t know the rules of cricket.

14. Have your wedding on the same day. William and Katie stealing your thunder? Oh please, think of the benefits of having a wedding on the same day. You might get a Wills and Kate discount in your local Tesco.

15. Bring a satirical sign. If you can’t avoid the wedding then you can always bring a heart warming sign for entertainment. E.g. DID YOU FORGET ABOUT OUR CHILD, WILLIAM? Actually, that may be pushing the boat a little bit….Or if you’re really cruel, send tourists the wrong way for funsies.

16. Try and capture a pigeon. I’ve tried and failed (don’t ask). However, it’s funner than trying to pick fleas off a dog.

17. Steal A TARDIS. You simply get a Time Lord to escort you to Saturday.

18. Play hide and seek…..in Westminster. You may be in the heart of everything but think of this way, the wedding works for you.

19. Divorce, beheaded, died. Divorce, beheaded, survived. Just keeping saying that in your head if you love history…or feeling really, really cruel. It’ll make you feel….bloodthirsty….I suppose.

Thanks to Drum Studios Ltd, Laura Patricia and my unbelievably crazy friend Dina for contributing some ideas.


‘Til next time,

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