Oh Bugger, I’m A Londoner: I Sound Like A Grumpy Londoner

May or June 2010, Holland Park’s Starbucks. Affluent and calm. My best friend and I were revising for our exams; she was revising A2 maths module C3 (I can still remember the frustration on her face) while I was reading my A2 communication and culture book. Two other teenage girls sat near us and gossiped away.

The hairs on my skin stood still and with good reason. A bunch of rowdy chavs descended and targeted the two girls – no, I meant the gossiping girls that just arrived, not me and my friend.

I don’t know how but it escalated to them throwing stock insults (they weren’t very coherent anyway), agitating everyone in the cafe. The two girls left and the chav mob chased after them (I’m tempted to type ‘and they were never seen again’). My day of revision ruined. Again.


I’m in the English workshop at my old college in Richmond, trying to get some power-naps in between trying to complete my English coursework. No-one else was inside hence the nap taking. There are a few books lying around; some resting, some revealing their pages. The computers in the room hum and whir like someone brushing their fingers against the strings of a harp.

Then the bloody fire alarm decides to wake me up like a horde of bats, eyeing my ears and aiming to drain my sense of hearing. Escorted out of the premises like sheep to the slaughter, then a pointless wait in the chill.


The riverside outside my house. That’s quiet right? Surely? The sound of the Thames gently flowing into the heart of London is a start, as I read my book.

I stop for a minute to look at my glorious view: bright plants emerging from the undergrowth from the sensory gardens; a giant helipad opposite me; boats chugging slowly away; the faint sound of children playing; the cute barking of a puppy as it –

Hang on, a helipad?


“The 12:45 train to Richmond has been cancelled. We are sorry for the inconvenience this has caused.”

“Sorry” [eye twitch]…..doesn’t…[eye twitch]….get [eye twitch]…..me [eye twitch]….to…[eye twitch]…my….[eye twitch]….bloody……..[eye twitch] destination.



unexpected item in bagging area. Unexpected item in bagging area. Unexpected Item In Bagging Area. UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA.

‘Til next time,


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